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BAD MARKET by Chris Ahanonu | #SYL2017

I was having a heated argument with Lucy, my new girlfriend, about which goes first in the preparation of Oha soup: Ede or palm oil, when someone knocked on the door. I went for it, whilst regretting my break up with Uchechi. She knew how to cook.

“Uncle, I came to inform you that there’ll be an emergency meeting with the landlord by 7 pm.” Chude, Mama Virginia’s son said, looking past me into the living room.

“And it’s…” I looked at my wristwatch. “…6:55pm, and you’re just telling me now? I fumed.

“Sorry Uncle, but… I think your food is burning.” The kid sniffed.

“Gerout!” I shoved him away as I headed to the landlord’s apartment where the meeting was scheduled. “It’s only to smell people’s food, that’s all you know!”

 

**************

Mama Virginia, Solo, Nathaniel and the other neighbours were packed tight on a couch like fish struggling for space in a sardine can. There was no other furniture in the room, so I stood.

We waited in silence for the Landlord to arrive, each of us conversing with our thoughts. Since the last meeting three months ago, we’d been detached from one another. During that forum, Oga Landlord had pleaded for assistance. His wife needed a caesarean operation and he was broke. None of the neighbours dropped a dime except me and it caused a clash. They insisted it was the landlord’s sole responsibility and not the tenants. However, the row escalated when the poor man’s wife lost the baby.

Ten minutes later, a portly man in a blue Chelsea jersey with a similar muffler wrapped around his neck strode into our midst and stood before us. He took in the condition of the room in a split second before flashing us a grin short of two teeth.

“I’m your new landlord.” He announced suddenly.

“God forbid!” Mama Virginia made a circle over her head with an arm then snapped two fingers.

“Why?” The Chelsea man asked, apparently hurt.

“Our landlord cannot die. The devil is a liar!”

Mr. Blues laughed long and hard.

“Your landlord is not dead, neither did I inherit this property. I won it.”

“What?” We all chorused,  eyes popping.

“We placed a bet on the Champions League final. I staked my estate on Chelsea and he staked his house on Bayern Munich. We called a lawyer to witness it. See!”

He fished a paper from the file he’d brought and Solo rushed to examine it. He returned with his face turned ashen.

“We need our landlord to explain this to us.” I said. “Where is he?”

“His village, maybe.” The Chelsea man smirked. “By the way, any Chelsea fan here?”

Nathaniel slowly raised his hand.

“Up Sesi!” The new landlord pumped his fists.

“Yoruba man?” Mama Virginia gasped in shock. “Tufia! You will never become my landlord!”

Chelsea man hissed. “Well, no tenant too. Rara!”

“Is this a joke or something?” I was livid.

“Here.” The new landlord handed me a paper. “That’s a notice for you all to pack before the end of next month. Make a copy for every tenant.”

“I’ll get my lawyer!” I bellowed.

“Laye laye!” He laughed heartily as he made for the door, then he paused. “When you do, notify me, ehn?”

His confidence was intimidating. Obviously the man had money to boss around.

Two months later, I was squatting with Lucy and had to endure her cooking. Five months afterwards, I met an old man at Alaba International market telling every passer-by that he sold original blackberry chargers. It was our former Oga Landlord.

 

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104 comments

  1. More ink to your pen,the story is so hilarious FOS

  2. Nice write up

  3. Edoja faith(d faithful Poet)

    this is witty but factual….I can’t help but laugh all true. thanks for such a comic climax . more ink to your pen chris

  4. Endowed Dominic

    Absolutely from the inspirational mind of a genius

  5. Haha Sir Grrr, thanks for letting me really this. Lots of Landlords, especially the Ikwere ones who as always visit Naija betting sites.

  6. Funny and interesting.

  7. Wow… This is wonderful. Life plays games.

  8. Nice one more ink to your your pen,keep writing.

  9. Nice one more ink to your your pen

  10. Typically….. From the magical pen of a genius.

  11. brilliant! more ink to your pen!

  12. This is amazing… lol

    when landlord turns to squatter

  13. This piece is hilarious.

  14. This piece is hilarious

  15. Wonderful

  16. Bravo my dear friend!
    Every line of the piece opens one to a new learning.
    From the Oha soup to the tightly packed seat of the landlord. You are a highflyer and higher you will continue to fly.
    Lest I forget, you will be celebrated for celebrating with the Blues.
    Your ink will never dry sir!!!

  17. Sir Ambassadeur

    Lovely, U just made my day…

  18. I really was skeptical about reading this but at the endt, it was worth every minute…. it made me laugh tho

  19. Simple but awesomely hilarious write up

  20. Simp!e but awesome piece

  21. Yes, I laughed and still I am….
    Weh son sah Creeeeeezy, your in shall not dry up!

  22. Woow
    Simple but awesome piece
    Good write up

  23. Chreezy you are a beast, your write up is just superb

  24. Creezy baba, wehdone sah…..

  25. Creezy baba, wehdone sah…..

  26. Interesting and well curved.

  27. You have really shown what you are made of. You see, there is nothing like creativity ’cause it is a super daring act to success and you have pulled that trigger of what’s been endowed in you. Just keep up the good work and never look back.

  28. Chai exactly how one can be rich today and be otherwise tomorrow….nice work

  29. I must confess, Chris is such writer I seek succor in his writings. He softens my heart and lighten my burden with his creativity.
    Some weeks back, he posted a piece of writing in #FOS and I commented he wrote just like one of my favourite authors– H.G Wells.
    Now, I’m bewildered reading this wonderful piece.
    Someday, I wish to be like you, you have been inspiring for long with your poetry and now your stories.
    Thanks for this dose.

  30. Divine Inyang Titusb

    This…. this is genius…. bloody attention gripper… nice story men…

  31. Vasily Mikhailovich Doestovski

    Chreezy baba.

  32. This is superb! The angle of view was glaring.
    FOS awaits your victory Chris.

  33. This is a nice writeup. So So So interesting. keep it up bro

  34. Wow
    Made my day….Funny as hell;???? ??

  35. was taking some juice along and I got choked while reading this…I love it…Good work. hilarious

  36. chreezy…
    I came
    #FOS

  37. This is utterly brilliant. I like how you’vebrought humor into something so painfully mundane.

  38. Chreezy…

    ???? i’m mind blown. I don’t even know why I’m surprised this is not the first time I’m reading your work.. But I have to say this is one of the best! Keep up it..
    Your humor is 100%

  39. Goooo winner !!! (=

  40. beautiful Bro

  41. big ups brah!

  42. The piece is amazing..I like the logic behind it. Thanks for your creativity mate. Saved my day.

  43. This is so good Chreezy, FOS gat ya back

  44. Very expressive… Weldone Chris. You do us proud. #FOS

  45. Lol! I caught the line where food reminded him of Uchechi… awesome!

  46. grace Leah-Ruth

    Hmmmmn…..oga landlord!! Scintillating piece! Thumbs up ?

  47. Food made him remember Uchechi?

    Weldone Chris

  48. Great write up…just what i needed to lift my spirit…

  49. Saviour Ukpaski (MC UK)

    wow.. This is awesome.. Funny story line.. Good description, too.. I was seeing the picture of the new landlord.. Keep it up, bro..

  50. Can’t stop laughing…….thumb up

  51. Few pieces can make me laugh, but this did. Selling charger at alaba ? ?

  52. obvious conscience

    This is a wonderful story, I love it.

  53. Sir Grrraciano

    The humour, free flowing easy diction, suspense… everything about this piece, very intriguing. Thanks for letting me read this. Gracias!

  54. Ayeyemi Taofeek

    Great work of art. Ink on…

  55. Ayeyemi Taofeek

    This is El-Classico et El-Magnifico… Ink on, Chreezy

  56. ? ? ? ? ? are you kidding me?

  57. Homorous piece

  58. humorous piece.

  59. It was fun reading this. But why would your land lord stake his house? This your new land lord is wicked ooo
    Thumbs up bro…. Perfecto.

  60. It was great reading this story. But why will your land lord stake his house ? This your new land lord is wicked ooo
    Thumbs up Bro.. Perfecto. This story is great.

  61. nice writeup. I love this. keep the good pen

  62. What an interesting piece! From the beginning to the end. I never expected nothing less from you at all. ???

  63. nice write up sir. more ink to your pen.

  64. Decent Innocent Junior

    My friend Chreezy, please teach me how to write, this story holds a beautiful content, my issue is that, i don’t even have a landlord. Greatly penned great man.

  65. love this. more ink to your pen chris.

  66. Lol this is beautiful brother,it’s awesome, l like it

  67. I really liked it on bro

  68. Awesome write up bro… Am inspired God make u bigger And make u a landlord too… Not like this one

  69. Nice write-up!
    Lol?? dear Chris, Luchy has come to stay…It’s either you teach her how to cook or she does, either way deal with it.

  70. Ohh my, this just got me on.

    Real. Entertaining.
    Lols… That former Oga Landlord ehn.

    Awesome one. Cheese

  71. Ephraim Akpabio HP

    Wow! Thank God i read this, beautifully hilarious.

  72. That was so mean Landlord got sacked and became the alaba charger 😉

  73. hahaha.. Landlord was indeed sacked, and I’m liking that Chelsea man, he probably will rent the flats to only Chelsea fans.

    Nice write Sir, I’ld love to read even more of your stories as long as they’re this hilarious.

  74. So hilarious, couldn’t stop laughing. Thumps up Chris. This is beautiful

  75. Oga Chreezy you’re ba(r)d writer really nice a story
    I want to sack my landlord o teach me how to do it.

  76. Very hilarious, couldn’t stop laughing. Beautiful story you got here

  77. The storyline not only captures typical Naija landlord wahala with their tenants but the narrative is sublime and laced with humor. I give this a 5 star rating!

  78. Hahaaaa! I have laughed 10 gallons full! I can relate. Good one Chris!

  79. Very interesting story! Nice one Chris

  80. Nice one, Chris Ahanonu never disappoints with his writing skills.

  81. This is very interesting and funny..lolz

  82. Top notch narration! so hilarious!

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